We continue to channel the celestial landscape for what’s in store for ultra-runners. It’s nice to have connections on Pluto – as well as a solid spin instructor.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You will nurse a minor injury before returning to glory – and your minor headache will give way to a stress-free evening with the kids at Outback Steakhouse. Your children (whose names you no longer remember) will ask you why you run so much, and you will ask them to pass the salt. Your brief midlife crisis over, you will order dessert – then immediately go on a 16-mile night run. Congrats. You are officially sick – you are an incurable ultrarunner.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Tape it up. Tightly. Your mouth will say things only meant for thought. When your boss shows you a picture of her adorable 4-year old son, “Oh, I’ve got pictures of him too” won’t go over well. When you’re done with your mouth, we suggest applying tape to your left calf. This will help assure success in your next ultra – but so would snapping your fingers, so random is fate. Chin up. Good things are in store – especially at Mother’s Market.
Aries (March 21-April 19) You will contemplate becoming a vegan, and then watch “Avatar” – and realize that blue is not your color. Relax. Dietary concerns are common among ultrarunners. As are what colors to wear on race day. Anyway, turn right. There it is. Del Taco. Add sour cream to the order?
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You were born. You were a good kid. You got good grades. Inexplicably, sometime between your first zit and your ludicrous flirtation with marriage, you took up ultrarunning. You have been disowned by everyone who once loved you. Stock up on water and excuses, and enjoy. On, and turn left. It’s all downhill from here.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) What did you just eat? Salad, but drenched in dressing and cheese? With a side dish of fourth-baked mashed potatoes soaked in Chardonnay? Sometime next week, you will see the light – that’s right, the glowing-neon sign at Denny’s. You will walk inside, order a quarto-double-triple-slam, and realize one thing: This is why you run — so you can be disgusting.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Submit your applications now for every ultra in the near future – but only those races that fall on the third Saturday of every fourth month, and only those starting on the second half-moon after every Steve Harvey fart, and then ask yourself: Is it really worth it to be so superstitious? Quit running, and take up crochet. You will be happier.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. An acrid stench filled the air. Was it Dobberteen puking in thin air? Or Acosta forgetting to wash her hair? Or Kirk Fortini without a care, dropping his shorts and causing a scare? We don’t have any horoscope for you, Leo — sorry. You see, you have been enlightened by this Shakespearean verse. Consider yourself culturally wizened, and move on.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You will train. You will get tired of training. You will meet the love of your life. You will train harder, until the love of your life gets pissed. You will break up and buy a pair of click-clacks. Congrats. You are an ultrarunner. Rinse and repeat.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) In precisely 13 days and 17 seconds, you will join a gym. You will start cross-training. You will do sit-ups and lift weights, and you will do this vigorously. And then, one day, you will accidentally thrust those weights on the head of the nearest bystander, and then get arrested, convicted, and end up on Death Row. And then you will ask yourself: Shouldn’t I have just stuck to running? Yes, Tonto, you should have.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Electrolytes or protein, protein or electrolytes . Years ago, you used to think that the great debate was between a Meatlovers pizza or lasagna, but thankfully, times have changed. And now, you face another conundrum: At the next aid station, do you eat a PB&J square or snort a salt tab? Or both? Screw it – I’m not telling. I want to beat you. So, my horoscope for you? Stop training. Please. So I can beat you. Thank you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) There are times in your life when you will ask yourself: Why did I sign up for this ultra? Why did I sacrifice so much sleep and so many potential memories with loved ones, and take alleged “sick days” at work and give up beer and movies and catching up with friends, and reading books and cleaning the garage and getting a pedicure and…oh heck, forget running. I quit. So will you, in time. Just kidding. Looking good! Really.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) There is a trail, all smooth with enticing climbs and downhills. Along both sides of this trail, there are lush, plump bushes, fragrant with the pregnant promise of spring. You look up lovingly at a bright blue sky caressed by billowing clouds, the comforting sting of the sun on your cheeks. Yeah, that’s a mountain lion and daydreaming time is over. If you survive the jugular vice grip let’s hope your cell phone displays at least one bar.
Charlie Nickell,
and Greg Hardesty (mostly Greg on this deal, he’s metaphysical).
