On paper, the Leona Divide 50 Mile Run looks pretty basic. If you print out the spiffy online course map, it’s relatively cute: little red lines depicting “dirt roads” and a smart green dashed line for the soft and scenic PCT. Let’s see, we’re going to skip over here and then play hopscotch over there. Anybody for a game of freeze tag? Complete with two fishing spots and a slanted-floor Community Center, the course designer threw in a few highway crossings and the map resembles a shopping mall directory with designated aid stations serving free refreshments. Maybe we’ll cross paths with a Verizon kiosk and upgrade our cell phone skins with some rhinestone bling. Really, how hard can this thing be?

Maybe because paper maps are flat, we should stop referencing them. Sure, there are TOPO Leona Divide contour maps, but who comprehends them other than Michelle Barton’s genius father (iDad)? What are we supposed to do, memorize the various shades of green? Oh, if memory serves me right, this climb was part of the dark green sector so I’m supposed to power walk — or was that run? What quadrant am I in? E7? Crud, you sunk my battleship! Honestly, you’d have to be in the Special Forces to gain anything from those micro-gridline publications.

What are we attempting to convey? The Leona Divide 50-miler, while a runable course, has some of the toughest sections we’ve encountered to date; forget we usually run 5ks. Apparently, the Lake Hughes area doesn’t allow mountain ranges with anything less than a 3-mile climb. The 7.5-mile incline from Lake Hughes Road to the #7 aid station turnaround makes traffic school look fun, fast and easy. Factor in the frontrunners blasting past you on their way down and it’s only a matter of time before you contemplate a new sport.

And, forget the supposed flat section before reaching aid station #10; definitely some shade of green on the TOPO grid. So, the 4-mile grind from aid station #9 to aid station #10 was simply brutal. There’s no other way to describe it. Find someone who enjoyed it and we’ll show you someone sneaking fanny-pack Vicodin. There should be a limit on the number of repetitive, identical looking switch backs allowed in these uphill sections. We made so many inside right turns going up this debacle that when it came time to finally turn left, we turned right and almost flew off a cliff.

Not to get on a tangent but my iPOD Shuffle DNFd at mile three so I had more time than normal to contemplate certain deep aspects of this run. At aid station #3, while guzzling the provided Gatorade Red, it dawned on me that the Gatorade Red tastes like the Gatorade Blue I had been drinking before the race. It made me ponder: How many legitimate flavors does Gatorade really have? The answer is one. With Gatorade, it’s more about the colors of Gatorade versus different flavors. In fact, the Gatorade marketing team is just making up flavors. I remembered buying Gatorade Frost. In hindsight, Frost doesn’t taste any different than Gatorade Rain. And why would they, they’re basically the same frikkin’ thing (water). And, what’s up with those names? Frost and Rain aren’t legitimate flavors; they’re weather conditions. We can’t wait for the debut of Gatorade Hail. We have nothing against Gatorade but let’s be clear (hey, Gatorade Clear!), there’s only one darn flavor of Gatorade and eight very deceptive colors. Order by hue and not by some goofy name. On the flip side, every Propel choice is the same exact color but all have legitimate different flavors. We’re telling you, Pepsi (they own Gatorade) is playing games with our minds just because most ultra aid stations serve flat Coke; it’s a conspiracy. Silence is troublesome for hours on end, I need my iPOD!

OK, got off track. Where were we?

All the usual suspects were in attendance. Let’s run thru the list.

Who cares what country Jorge Pacheco’s (6:29:15) from — we want to know what  planet he lives on. His course record setting time was/is out of this world, especially considering he has to say “looking strong” about 160 times as he rips by everyone going the opposite direction. Politically correct lying takes energy (Gatorade Fib?). They should make an action figure and a PIXAR movie starring Mr. Pacheco. The yellow shoes on Saturday were smart and very Eric Clifton Jesteresque.

We spotted Tom Nielson (7:41:47) as he nonchalantly sauntered downhill a full eight miles ahead of us. But, something was missing. What was it? Oh yeah, his life coach, idol and personal trainer, Tracy Moore. Tracy (along with Tom) gives every ultra major trail cred but where was MR. 2007 WS100? AP reports had Tracy en route to the LD50, but the unexpected delivery of a family member’s newborn forced him to redirect. Somebody tell Tracy about the whole hospital doctor thing, which handles the newborn deal pretty well. We’ll cut Tracy some slack as kids are the only thing more difficult to handle than some of these races. We’d have to bum free gels off someone else today. OK, where’s the General?

Devon Crosby-Helms (7:44:18), the overall female winner, is from another state. We don’t personally know her as she’s always back in Oregon chatting it up with Krissy Moehl by the time we cross the finish line. Devon is a former collegiate star, played intense competitive basketball her entire life and stared in the 2005 documentary The Heart of the Game. Reliable trail sources tell us she’s sweet and a hardcore vegan; good, more Double-Doubles at In-n-Out for us. She’s super fast (duh) and wants to go to the Olympic trials in 2012.

If you recall, Crosby-Helms ran her first 50-miler at the Tahoe Rim “No iPODS or We’ll Kill You” and smashed the course record. She'll be running the 2008 WS100 for her first 100-miler and is going to tilt the candy c_ap out of Nikki Pinball. OK, we said it.

Christine Ensing (8:06:15), second overall female, is in the Navy (maybe she races DG), and has served in Iraq. She recently won Baz Hawley’s 2007 Saddleback Marathon. She, too, has or is attempting to qualify for the Olympic Trials, and Leona Divide was her first 50-miler. Christine was running Leona for her friend who is serving in Iraq so we can run without stressing about RPGs.

We missed the comedy team of Scott Mills (8:02:23) and Rob McNair as the Odd Couple rousted each other for who knows how many miles; rumor has it they both waited as the other peed. We have to be careful with Scott as he can revoke our entry into the Noble Canyon 50k and/or the SD100 at anytime. As Keira H. puts it, “Scott’s quads look like tree trunks but he’s such a nice guy.” As long as you’re not racing against him for the win, I’m sure that’s true.

Fresh off his first-place victory in The Old Goat 50k the weekend before, Rob McNair (8:24:20) was “cruising around” with his standard way-too-cool-for-email swagger. At 54 years old, he looks, acts and runs more like a 25-year-old. Rob actually acts like a teenager, but that’s aside from the point; he’s a living, breathing and still-winning legend.

We met up with our idol, Kyle Hoang (8:27:13), who was still wearing the Tour de France yellow jersey for winning the 2006 mountain stage on foot. Did we mention he’s fast?

Keira Henninger (8:38:07) — where do you start with the iCarly/Hanna Montana/Christine Aguilera of trail running? Keira looks like she should be sitting at the beach in a thong drinking pina coladas and not kicking everyone’s booty on some remote mountain catwalk. Recently sponsored by GENr8 Vitargo S2, Keira’s running has ballooned into an entire new aerobic level. Maybe it’s the fuel or recovery attributes of the Vitargo S seeping through her slow carb veins, or possibly the fact that she trains harder than anyone else we know, but whatever the case, it’s working.

Fresh off The Old Goat 50-miler (seven days prior) where she easily captured the women’s title, finishing overall second to some random dude named Akos (that’s a joke), we’re not sure Keira had a full tank for Leona, but you try telling Amelia Earhart to watch TV on Saturday. You’ll have better luck convincing a vampire to stay in for the evening and having a stake dinner. In any event, Keira would take home yet another plaque, and her husband, Paul, needs to start contemplating a room addition for storing those bulky awards. The upcoming PCT50 needs to look out. If you’re a San Diego Bad Rat (Dean D), better snuggle back into that empty toilet paper roll or hide in some woodchips. “Bay Watch” is hitting the PCT near Mexico, and the only thing striking the ground harder than David Hasslehoff’s head as he passes out after 10 Jagermeisters is the sound of KH’s shoes, and she ain’t hanging around for autographs.

Willie Cooper (8:38:07) despite all the press and paparazzi associated from his 2nd place in “the unknown ?k,” remained true to form as he piles up quality miles for the 2008 Western States 100. Don’t ask him about the Saltwater5000 because it doesn’t exist unless you have a Ben10 Omnitrix and can turn into Wild Mutt. We told Will not to hide his Porsche key inside his right shoe for 50 miles but do CEO's listen to us? Put a sock on that thing.

Robert Schipsi (9:40:58) takes pride in beating his triathlete neighbors in running and is the only ultra runner we know who built an external home elevator to whisk him to his residence’s front door (Gatorade Lazyass?). Robert can run seven miles straight up to The Leona Divide turnaround, but three stories from the garage to his front door seems too much for the Laguna handyman to muster up. We’re confused, but he’s a deceivingly fast runner and cruised in on this particular Saturday. A personal bet with speedy Kevin Nasman that he would beat Keira left him short a six pack of beer; duh! He’ll probably brew it himself instead of buying it at the store. Enjoy Kevin!

Jennifer Forman (9:41:52) should have a license plate frame that reads “So Many Ultras, So Little Time, Get the Hell Out of My Way, You Freak.” The Run Down likes to eat, and our license plate frame reads “My Other Car is a Refrigerator.”  Jennifer cruised in with more existing aches and pains than someone recently hit by a Mack truck. Tell Jenn100 to take a week off and she just blank-stares; don’t want to know what's going on in there.

I wish we had a camera or microscope to display Dennis Koors’ (9:58:01) hair, or lack thereof. His feet still recovering from C2M, he would break 10 hours due to the follicle weight loss and aerodynamic nature of his streamlined cranium.

While it’s impossible to win every ultra you enter, it’s a shock to see Michelle Barton (8:24:01) come in anything but first place. It’s like watching Tiger Woods not win a golf tournament; all everyone wants to know is, what’s the matter? It’s called being human. Michelle is held to a ridiculously higher standard than anyone else we know. It must be brutal to go into every single race with the mindset of having or even wanting to win. But, that’s what she does. Hardcore competition is what the iMichelle is about. Another GENr8 Vitargo S2-admitted convert, Michelle runs half-marathons, 10ks, full marathons and just about any race where she can “get it on.”

If you didn’t know her and spotted her in Trader Joe’s buying daily supplies of couscous, you’d think she was a third-grade teacher and not some gal who would run over your back on some technical single-track. Michelle is wicked funny, smart and motivated. We spotted her once on The Leona Divide course and she was all business trying to shake last week’s The Old Goat 50k win (see a trend here?), which must have taken a toll. In 2007, Michelle won more ultras than any other female runner in the entire United States. How exactly does one top that feat? Stay tuned, we’re sure iM will show us the path.

Ohio Bob (9:59:31) (last name is Combs, but Ohio Bob is CA handle), with no mountains in his home state, had to fly to So Cal, violating his probation, to get in some hill repeats. A multiple Hardrock 100 finisher (don’t let the Captain Picard look fool you, no beaming from trail to trail for this guy), Bob is the real deal and does things one solid foot at a time. Well, it's back to Ohio for some stair repeats inside Crate & Barrel. Hey, you make due.

During an ultra, Rob (Robo) Cowan (9:01:54) never looks like he’s actually straining. We didn’t recognize him without his wonder dog Brandi as he leisurely bobbed and weaved down the PCT. At first glance we thought he was snagged on some brush but then realized he was just dragging Brandi’s empty leash; possible intervention here. Some reports had Robo on the Vitamin I support line from miles 20 thru 35.

Look out for up-and-coming Gina Natera! (9:08:28). We’re changing her last name to On-a-tear-a.

Bill Ramsey (9:16:09), fresh off surgery, would glide around, address everyone by their first name and then hang out like he was lounging around his living room. Bill is ultra running.

We think Fleet Feet Laguna Niguel Owner Scott White (9:23:02) had a stellar first 50-miler. It must be all the free running stuff he gets that propels him around the trail. Just imagine not paying for one single running item for the rest of your life! (Gatorade Freeloader?) Wear shoes once and then chuck ’em. Unlimited new fluffy single-use socks! Scott, you’re living inside our dream world and we’d appreciate an invite. Please, he even hangs with Michelle Barton. Some people!

Eduardo Robelo (10:05:26) was actually spotted at this event. His normal MO is to run undetected only to be seen in the posted results; very stealth.

San Diego sleeper cell Paul Escola (10:18:13) completed his first ultra in strong fashion. Who needs 50ks anyways? Next up, Badwater?

Dmitri Chechuy (10:45:39) would catch a dose of the ultra blues but hold on to complete his first 50-miler and qualify for WS100. With no water crossings, Dmitri still jumped into Glad Four-Ply Garden Bags for each highway crossing. Dmitri is caught here doing his Mr. Bean impersonation.

Robert Baird (10:46:42) was back after a two-year hiatus from 50-milers and cracked the 11-hour milestone barrier. The Balboa Island resident has yet to invite us on his yacht for green tea sandwiches and mimosas; maybe next year. Robert Harris' (9:47:04) main goal was to beat The Run Down. Wow, what an underachiever. That’s like beating a 6-year-old in a game of half court. He reached his goal with one leg tied behind his back.

We get the feeling that Catra Corbit (11:36:14) and Andy Kumeda (11:36:15) evaluate ultras like most couples looking for a good movie. “Honey, what do the Saturday ultra times look like? Oh, there’s a 50k at 5:10, but what about the late 100k at 9:15? You in?” If they had young kids, would they drive them to school or make them run?

Speaking of women’s hair, Kirk Fortini (12:15:28), fresh of his Old Goat 50 Miler (see a trend here?), was a tad flat for his Leona debut but the Wildomar Circle K protein product has zero tolerance for quitting. Barely escaping one cutoff, Aquaman would eventually snorkel his way downstream to the finish where he would then contemplate his PCT50 and SD100 strategy (see a trend here?). Kirk is scary tough but identify a more considerate and appreciative runner and we’ll tell you “try again.” The women’s hair comment was due to the fact that all women adore him. Check out Kirk's yellow jersey four days later on a training run. He wants to be Kyle so bad it's embarrassing. We think this qualifies as identity theft.

Pete Vara (12:43:04) completed his first 50-miler in his normal easygoing style. As we crossed paths, he took time to snap a photo of my legs and then entered me into the Aquafor High-Colonic World Series.

George Velasco and Leigh Corbin, fresh off their life-altering experience at the Marathon des Sables, forgot to change their watches off Morocco time and missed the aid station #7 cutoff by four camels left of the sun. Oh, my humus!

We respect him as a true champion but fortunately for Scott Jurek, he was a DNS. Doesn’t matter.Scott “I’m faster than Karno” would’ve been Scott “I’m slower than Pacheco” and clearly running for second place. We don’t comprehend Scott’s whiny take on Dean Karnazes. We think Mr. Jurek needs to take a marketing class. You see, when Scott runs through in first place, the crowd says, “Looking good, Scott.” When Dean runs through in any position, his fans say “Good looking Dean” and therein lies one major differences in being marketable versus being a prairie mushroom muncher.

Personally, we don’t get sucked into the whole Karno North Face media hype aside from the TNF, limited-edition doorbell we recently installed. In fact, sounds like I’ve got someone at the front door; “Dean Dong, Dean Dong.” And they say I'm obsessed.

The 2008 Leona Divide 50-Miler was a gem. The weather was perfect, with a thick marine layer and an occasional trail level cloud collision; dancing in heaven. While the race is extremely close to stunning (as in police stun gun) Palmdale, Lake Hughes — for all intents and purposes — could be a million miles away. The course is drop-dead gorgeous, with a great mix of PCT single track and manicured fire road. Ironically, there’s a 1,000-meter section of dirt road at the very start, which is the most technical section on the course.  We paid someone to carry us over this portion, but for the most part there were no major rocks to contend with. The aid stations were plentiful, properly spaced and stocked. We recognized many accomplished ultrarunners pouring Gatorade Red (it’s all the same!!!), filling up goodie plates, giving directions and offering words of sincere encouragement. We can’t speak on behalf of the other runners, but we noticed some of the same people at aid station #5 also manning aid station #9. In fact, we encountered this mirror volunteer phenomenon a few times during the race and wondered if we had died and entered some version of runner’s vertigo where you stumble from aid station to aid station only to be greeted by the same smiling person. Groundhogs Day!

The monogrammed Leona Divide blanket is top quality and we’re afraid of unclasping it for fear of not being able to roll it back up (personal issue). And finally, the technical finisher’s shirt hands down beats anything else you can ever get. Sorry, but the medals don’t come in too handy on training runs aside from scaring mountain lions.

And we love them, but what’s up with Mexico’s apparent national soccer team? (Lopez, Mendoza, Romero…) They seem to show up and dominate these ultras nowadays and April 19th was no exception. Is it me, or does this athletic crew conveniently choose not to speak English just during the actual race? We asked one guy how far to the next aid station and he’s politely says, “No comprendo.” We ask another guy if we can pass on the left, he responds “No hables English.” We ask one of the team members where the “el bano” was after the race and he eloquently responds, “It’s down the hall, but the floor’s a bit precocious so be careful.” Racing is game on. OK, we get it.

We also love the LD50 winner’s wood sign proudly displayed on the PCT. Why don’t they just get it over with and call it the Jorge Pacheco Plaque? It can then sit untouched next to Bob Kimmerly’s commemorative bench, which we thought was a classy and moving tribute to the race’s founder.

We’re unveiling a new feature within these reports called the “Weasel List.” The folks below should’ve run in The Leona Divide 50 Miler but didn’t for some ridiculous reasons. Injured, family responsibilities, financial woes, race next week, all a bunch of psycho-babble. Everyone of these endurance athletes can complete an ultra and finish in the top twenty on five minutes notice so we’re not buying any of their excuses.

1. Scott Jurek – Couldn’t locate an herbal ego remedy for 2nd place.
2. Dean Dobberteen – Had to wash his van.
3. Greg Hardesty – Had to wash his hair.
4. Kevin Nasman – Evaluating IRA options.
5. Scott McKenzie – Help Dean paint van after top coat dissolved with initial soap contact.

And, I finally won something in the raffle: a pair of Moeben Sleeves. I was so excited that I forgot my drop bag and bailed. Arriving home, I proudly displayed the white sleeves to my wife, who immediately noticed they were extra smalls and all of a sudden they didn’t belong to me anymore. What’s with this sport? It’s relentless.

As an organized running club, there’s no other Southern California group that supports local ultra & trail races more than the SoCal Trail Headz. A separate TRD congratulations to the following SoCal Trail Headz for participating in and successfully completing The Leona Divide 50 Mile Run.

1. Michelle Barton – Laguna Niguel
2. Keira Henninger – Laguna Niguel
3. Kyle Hoang – Costa Mesa
4. Rob Cowan – Coto de Caza
5. Gina Natera – Oceanside
6. Scott White – Laguna Beach
7. Robert Schipsi – Laguna Beach
8. Jennifer Forman – Riverside
9. Charlie Nickell – Ladera Ranch
10. Paul Escola – Poway
11. Dmitri Chechuy – Ladera Ranch
12. Robert Baird – Balboa Island
13. Carmela Layson – Gardena
14. Kirk Fortini – Wildomar
15. Pete Vara—Fountain Valley

If you want to experience the benefits of training with an organized, accomplished and focused trail running group, send inquiries to cgnick@yahoo.com or visit www.socaltrailheadz.org.

Did anyone notice the multicolored M&Ms at one of the aid stations? They’re all the same flavor! We’re being duped! It’s a huge scam. I feel a rant attack. Where’s my Valium?

Written, ran and reported by Charlie Nickell.

Edited by OC Register reporter Greg Hardesty.

Summary:

What: The Leona Divide 50 Mile Run

When: Saturday, April 19, 2008

Where: Lake Huges, CA

Race Directors: Glenda Kimmerly & Don Hughes

Course Short Description: Out, Out, Out, Out & Back!

Number of starters: 166
Number of finishers:  148
Success rate:           89%

The GENr8 Vitargo S2 Top Finishers:

The Men
1) Jorge Pacheco / 6:29:15*
2) Kevin Sullivan / 7:30:09
3) Oswaldo Lopez / 7:36:03
4) Tom Neilsen / 7:41:47

*Course Record

The Women
1) Devon Crosby-Helms / 7:44:18
2) Christine Ensign / 8:06:15
3) Michelle Barton / 8:24:01 (1st overall 31 to 39)
4) Keira Henninger / 8:38:07 (2nd overall 31 to 39)

For Complete Race Day Results Click Here.

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