Twin Peaks? Oh joy! A new gentlemen’s club in uptight Orange County, California? With a name like that, I’ll have to start stashing $1 bills in my handhelds. The thought of an aid station table dance was intriguing, but upon investigation it was determined that Twin Peaks had nothing to do with certain nocturnal male activities and everything to do with cross-gender, self-inflicted physical torture — DARN, but I was still in.

It’s an age-old story. Ask a hundred people what a reference to any ultra is pertaining to and you get the same non-response. It’s more of a brain-dead stare into the abyss versus an actual answer. Twin Peaks Ultras is no exception. In case you’re in a pot doctor’s office casually leafing through magazines, Twin Peaks Ultras (also known as Twin Peaks 50/50) is a very difficult ultramarathon located on the edge of pansy land: that’s right, “The O.C.” The Twin Peaks reference is to Saddleback Mountain, which like a saddle has dual peaks: Santiago (5,768 feet) and Modjeska (5,496 feet). You now know more about Saddleback Mountain than the 35,000 people living at its base. Looking upward and reflecting on large, timeless land masses is outlawed in Southern California. Soaking in nature’s beauty takes the focus off interest-only loans and fast-food chains, which are the heartbeat of the area; supersize me and pass the salt. And get me to a mall, quick! Where’s my Lambo? The 50/50 refers to 50 miles or 50 kilometers, but could refer to the odds you have of actually completing either race in decent condition — or finishing at all.

The 50-mile course delivers a staggering 17,000 feet of climbing and 11,000 feet for the 50 km. Aside from retired Kirk Fortini’s abs, there are no flat spots on the entire course. You’re either running up or down hill. With a mix of singletrack and the North Main Divide fire road, forget about even footing. The North Main Divide is fire road, but it’s rockier than my fourth marriage and no place for efficient running. This is a very technical course, and if you’re writing Java Script code for iPhone apps you aren’t the technical person this race requires.

I’ve got serious ADD, so here’s the short course description: go out too fast and run from the Inland Empire in a 6.5-mile ascent that’s going to be irritating on the quads for the return trip. Run along the rocky uphill section of the North Main Divide, down the infamous West Horsethief Trail, up over the decidedly unholy Holy Jim Trail and then to the tip top of Santiago for a peak. Roughly do that again in reverse if running the 50-mile option. Look out for icy snow, mellow off-roaders with open containers and unpredictable temperatures. Ascend the final 6.5 miles and hope there’s warm food left over and your car stereo isn’t missing along with your toenails.

Several seasoned, hot coal and fire runners rate Twin Peaks the toughest 50-mile venue in Southern California, and quite possibly the hardest 50-mile course outside of the San Juan Solstice in Colorado. Just ask veteran Bud Phillips — he says so. And no one messes with Bud (12:51:55 in the 50 mile). He has a beer named after him.

Unlike last year’s version of Twin Peaks, which occurred during a monsoon, the weather this time was perfect, with highs in the 70s — a little warm in spots but cool elsewhere, particularly along the North Main Divide about a mile from Santiago Peak, where runners had to slog through a stretch of thin, sometimes yellow snow.

There were several stream crossings in Holy Jim Canyon, and portions of the North Main Divide had deep ruts from recent rains (as deep as the ruts in my face, from all this SoCal sunbathing). One section of the Indian Truck Trail was blocked with rocks that had to be gingerly negotiated to avoid bloodshed (I brought along ginger bites, so yes, I am being literal). But, hey, doesn’t all this stuff make a race that much more special? Second overall female in the 50 miler, Katelyn Benton (14:20:22), is seen here looking for the jet controls to the Jacuzzi. It’s Orange County, what can I say.

As with most ultras, there were a few minor glitches at Twin Peaks 2010. Some of the early starters (start times were at 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 a.m.) had to eat salamanders and raw insects due to the lack of food at the first aid station. Turns out an SUV bottomed out on the way to the Indian Truck Trail aid station and did not arrive in time. A ranger helped get them straightened out and back on the road. Stuff happens — be overprepared and deal with it.

Also, one radio check-in station was potentially misplaced, causing confusion for some runners who didn’t know whether to turn right for the 50-mile course, or left for the 50 km. The Twin Peaks website description and photos, chalk markers and the topography should have made it an easy choice. Show up knowing the course or end up on Wednesday’s news coverage regarding a very costly search and recovery effort. Being on TV is only fun when you still have a pulse.

Hiroki Ishikawa set a 50-mile record, blazing in at 9:05:04 — even after losing several minutes during a low spot on his return trip to Santiago Peak. When Hiroki crossed the finish line, he bowed — then spun around and bowed in the direction of the course to show his respect for the landmass he just conquered. “Thank you very much, I’ll be here all week.’’

Brian Krogman, fresh off the Brazil 135 and sporting a sore knee, was feeling so crappy that he ending up placing third in the 50 mile, at 10:52:07. I wish I could feel as crappy as “The Krogster.”  In second place was Trey Barnes (below). A Northern Califonia transplant, Trey is a whopping 25 years old. It’s nice to see so many youngsters sticking it to the Depends crowd in these tough ultras. Go away, kid — you’re bothering me.

A male version of a catfight did not erupt over results of the 50 km, but could have. Evan Hone officially started the 50 mile race but dropped to the 50 km midstream — crossing the finish line in 5:39:00; course record. San Diego Bad Rat Dean Dobberteen, who was in the 50 km from the start, finished in 5:46:54, for second place. Would Dean have run faster knowing somebody was actually in front of him? Methinkso.

In an act of diplomacy, Race Director Jessica DeLine decided to list both Evan and Dean as No. 1, with asterisks – Evan’s for setting a course record after dropping from the 50 mile, and Dean’s for taking first place in the 50 km. Next year, there will only be a 50 mile version of Twin Peaks, with a “wimp out” 50 km option that will not be a ranked race (finishers will get a medal). Gee, Jessica – can I get an asterisk, too, for having a bad hair day?

In her first ultra, Alison Wenster (right) set a female 50k course record in at time of 5:52:53. Aid station volunteers spotted her stealing snow off Santiago Peak and stuffing it into her lycra shorts. I had no idea frozen water was such a valuable commodity. Alison would cross the finish line greeted by her daughters and then head off to AM/PM Mini Market for recovery drinks and free ice refills. Somebody get that gal a cooler.

Three women from Arizona — Honey Albrecht (50 km, 7:02:05), Jody Chase (6:24:55) and Elizabeth Everly (7:27:58) — said one of the reasons they ran Twin Peaks was because it had an elevation change similar to Hardrock. I thought they were talking about the  walkup ramp to the restrooms at the Hard Rock Café, but apparently they were referring to some other ultra. Setting aside their insanity for a moment, I love the way these gals think. Honey gushed to Jessica after the race: “All three of us ultra-chicks from Phoenix had a great time.” With a name like Honey, you have to be happy.

As for my escapades, let’s say I covered the distance. Nursing my first running injury in 20 years, I did the Supertramp thing and took the long way home. If you’re evaluating races for 2011, and looking for something rough, tough and gritty, then Twin Peaks is right up your alley. INKnBURN Team runner and 10th place (12:39:29) 50 mile finisher Keith Swiatkowski’s shirt summed up the mindset required to run this particular race: “Run or Die 50/Singletrack Mind.” Show up for Twin Peaks undertrained, in a day-glow thong or with a loosey-goosey mindset, and you’ll remember the race as Twin Cheeks because you’ll have both of them handed to you on a silver platter.

Greg Hardesty (Ok, Charlie added his two cents)

Click here for complete Twin Peaks 2010 race results.