If one more runner on a cross-training bender gushes about how great spin class is, I’m taking hostages. Where is the fun in pedaling a bike missing a wheel for 45 minutes while going absolutely nowhere, while listening to rap remixes of Taylor Swift songs? I don’t get it.
Isn’t the point of turning mechanical cranks via human power to actually create forward motion — to go somewhere in life? When the excitement of spin class ends and you return to your car do you just rev the engine for the next hour without leaving the parking lot? Hey, why not — the engine gets a good workout.
It’s interesting to note that I’ve never been asked to attend a treadmill class. Why would I? Who needs some overly groomed fitness instructor barking orders on how to run on a perfectly balanced treadmill? If you stop moving your feet on a treadmill, you can kill yourself — yet no safety or motivational instructor exists. If you stop peddling your spin class device, I’m pretty sure the crank shaft stops moving. Spin “bikes” look pretty stable and self explanatory. My couch doesn’t tend to shift around. Do I need a couch coach to keep my heart at the proper aerobic rate while mowing through my Cheetos and channel surfing for “The Shawshank Redemption?”
OK, I admit it: It’s not a balance issue that requires a spin instructor. The purpose of the instructor is for pure distraction since you’re not really going anywhere and they (evil corporate America) don’t want you figuring that out? If you really liked to bike, you’d be outdoors, and there are no monthly fees for that so the corporate health spin is on full throttle to keep you indoors (where you belong).
I have a used LifeCycle in my garage for rainy days when I can’t run outside. It has a “Hill” program that I mostly use. I typically peddle the device for 48 minutes and after the program finishes, the LifeCycle turns off and the LCD displays three meaningless totals: 48 minutes exercise time (oh thanks, that was so confusing, what day is it?), 6.4 miles covered and 680 calories burned. OK, so 48 minutes makes sense. Looks like the LifeCycle and the rotation of the Earth around the sun are in sync. What about the 6.4 miles? I haven’t moved forward one physical inch, much less 6.4 miles. It’s a three-car garage, for crissakes. Hmm, 680 calories burned. How does the machine actually calculate my metabolic burn rate? The only thing touching the bike is my butt. I typically drink an entire bottle of CarboPro 1200 30-minutes into the mind-numbing drill. I’d bet I’m carbo-loading 800 calories or more during the supposed workout. And, my garage slab is at a slight downgrade so when the water heater blows, killing our pet salamanders, everything drains out the driveway. Admittedly, if you run street marathons my garage is a major hill but to me it’s flatter than Cameron Diaz. Make no mistake, the LifeCycle and its evolu
tionary evil offshoot, the dreaded Spin Bike and associated classes, are closely related.
What’s the point here? If you’re going to move your feet around for hours on end, wouldn’t it make more sense to do it outside and actually experience something? The point of exercising, in my so humble opinion, is to detach from human-made devices (stereos, buildings, CNN, strip malls, Danskins, male Spandex workout pants) and tap into the real world that supports your very existence; focus on the oxygen process instead of some chick’s/dude’s sweaty gluts. Do we need 42-inch plasma screens while some motormouth tells us to spin faster? “You’re doing great. Jane, excellent work going absolutely nowhere.” Last time I checked, “spinning your wheels” was an expression of wasting one’s time.
Spin class, like its many robotic predecessors — aerobics, dancer-size, step aerobics, T-Bow, the foxtrot, whatever — are just weak attempts for the 24 Hour Witless operations to keep the masses from getting bored in the freakazoid environment known to the thankful animal kingdom as the indoor gym. The small, grungy lockers with naked guys drying themselves off sprawled out under the wall hand dryers — egads, it’s all so normal until you go for a long run or ride and think about it.
News flash: stationary bikes with some person yelling at you indoors is not fun. Great workout? Super to hear, good luck in your next stationary ultra or century ride. Here’s a tip: If you go to a garage sale and there’s a bike with one wheel, tell the guy it’s broken and you’ll haul it off for five bucks. Spending four grand on a Lance Armstrong or similar spin bike is the scam of the century; it’s like buying a Ferrari with no rear end.
I could go on for hours, but Greg and I have our “trampolining” class tonight and have to split. Oh, never heard of it? We’re totally hooked on the group mini-trampoline phenomenon at Three Hour Exercise Emporium. I’m going to log 35-minutes of indoor fly time with a total gain of over 17 vertical air miles and never leave a 4×3 space inside some converted warehouse that I don’t recognize as such because they’ve cleverly painted the air ducts and ceiling jet black. The camouflage is so real it’s like staring into the sky on a crisp winter night. Is that Venus? I could stay forever.
Any more stationary activities like spinning, isometrics or trampolining and I’m giving up trail running for good. Those open fields, noisy creeks, smelly plants and dirty animals are so darn annoying.
Charlie Nickell,
and Greg Hardesty.
Think of all the potential energy loss, Think Green people…We need to place generators and transformers behind each room and rescue some of that energy..just hook everyone up!!..think hamsters on a wheel and run those lights on people power… ha ha ha Green bla bla bla
Larry, never looked at it that way. Let’s discuss at our next stationary indoor stretching session. We’ll need a coach.
Glad someone had the gonads to finally say this. I am presently stuck in a miserably cold, wet area of this country and if I can drag my butt out and slop around to “enjoy nature” (<= not always sure about that part), then so can everyone else. Cross training … yes. Indoors and clocking pointless virtual miles (horizontal or vertical) … no thanks.
Kevin don’t think the knaz is going to keep you anonymous with TRD. We graciously await your So. Cal return and have a bag of FunYuns set aside for the occasion. Well, half a bag.
Easy boys. Let me talk to you off the ledge before you jump Chaz. I love the outdoors just as much, if not more than the next guy. Sometimes Im limited on time though. I don’t need the lame instructor, but fast paced hard rock songs and a few good friends, and it’s hard to beat the bang for your buck workout in an hours time.
Eric, always the voice of reason. I respect everyone who actually exercises even if they use the Earth’s rotation for forward progress. In your case, the gals say you look hot in the spinning gear so I’d definitely endorse your workout regimen. Unfortunately, I look like a shrink wrapped hamster in Spandex so can’t partake even if I wanted to. Thanks for the comment. Point well taken.
I haven’t worked out indoors in over 10 years. Where is the fun factor in running or biking indoors? I simply don’t get it. Good rant Chaz.
That was slightly amusing. The problem is; I love both so I see both sides. I think no one should spend all their exercise hours indoors, that would be a tragedy! But I know I love my spin classes and when I injured my foot from running it saved me and allowed me to still get in a good cardio workout. I love my yoga and weight training classes too! Actually, the funniest thing is; my gym does have a treadmill class! It’s called trekking ;-D.
Jennifer, OK points well made. And, I guess that beats “sort of amusing.” I’ll have to check into Trekking. I guess the question is how far can you really “Trek” in the same building?; gonna have to test that one out. Maybe I need to give the nomenclature for these activities some slack:)
Since I moved to Albuquerque, I’ve been forced to swim indoors in a 25 meter chlorine chamber waiting for the next wall to show up miraculously like a blind rat in a dark maze looking for stinky cheese that isn’t there. I miss San Diego. I miss swimming in the ocean and knowing that if I just went a little farther I could make it to Hawaii. Thanks Charlie and Greg for reminding me how miserable my swims have become. Anyone for Marco Polo?
Jarone, Greg and I had no idea that the federal penitentiary system transferred you to Albuquerque. Let us know if you need us to send you a nail file. But hey, looks like they have a pool in the community workout yard so that’s cool. We hope you’re not wearing Speedos. And, that’s Catalina just north of San Diego and not Hawaii. My real estate agent told me it was Hawaii too so I’d pay more for my ocean view. Great to hear from you and thanks for the witty insight as always.
P.S. The rant was still damn funny though.
Red Bulls are great for spin classes!
OMG 2 funny….
Thank you so much. I love your guys’ site and more importantly your INSIGHT (and excellent sense of humor). Thank you for all that you do.
Thanks for reminding me to buy one of the shirts here at some point as well.
Never been to a spin class, doubt I ever will. Where I used to live, the bicycles only had one tire because someone stole the other one.
You guys have obviously never been to MY spin class. I’m an awesome teacher. And a 7 time Ironman finisher. And a 4 time double century finisher. Sometimes, change is good. Charlie, take your hostages, I’ll send the SWAT team over.
Oh I know! Truth is Spin Class would kick my big fat _ss. I don’t think they have seats large enough to accompany my back-end and doors large enough so I can squeeze my expanding head into the room. You’re a star and I’m gonna start riding tricycles again in my backyard where I belong. When you call the SWAT team, tell them to shoot to kill. Put me out of my misery.
I’m not a spinner, but if it weren’t for the treadmill in my house, I wouldn’t be able to run a step during the week. My treadmill lets me train while still supervising homework, cooking dinner, fighting insomnia, etc. Of course I’d rather be outdoors, but you do what ya gotta do!!
Yes, but like me, you don’t need some instructor inside your house telling you what to do and when to do it. Good for you. You’re a self-managed ultra runner.