Greg’s coaching agreement specifically states, "Thou must run in one 100-mile ultramarathon prior to participating in the 2008 Coastal Challenge or stated student is in clear breach of endorsement contract." So, Greg smugly informs me he’ll be running in September’s AC100. What he intentionally didn’t tell anyone was that he’d simply be pacing a real participant. A sneaky move but we have to give Greg credit for exposing a clear loophole in our contract verbiage. We received a non-favorable ruling from the 9th circuit judge and were forced to honor Greg’s shifty move while simultaneously firing our lame attorney, Robert Shapiro. Technically, Greg was "running" in a 100-mile race even if for only 25 miles.

We understand 100 miles would be tough for Greg. His hair rarely goes eight hours without a cream rinse or at least an out-of-the-car window refresh. How would he run 24 or more hours without a good blow job: that’s blow dryer, folks — heads out of the gutter please!

At mile 75, Greg met up with his real AC100 competitor (Robert Schipsi) and they proceed to jointly embark on the last quarter of the race. Until Greg got involved, Robert was cruising at a sub-26 hour pace. Enter Greg, and it takes an additional 12 hours for the duo to cover the last 25 miles and eventually cross the finish line. Though we’ve made repeated attempts to contact Mr. Schipsi for comment, his agent won’t take our calls. All the smart ass says is, "At the tone the time will be," over and over like some recording.

One can only speculate what happened in those secluded San Gabriel Mountains. Did Greg take his customary 30-minute aid station break to perform his George Michael restroom impersonation? Did his puka shell necklace explode on the trail requiring hours to collect the mini crustations? Greg and Robert’s silence reminds me of the survivors in the movie "Deliverance." Something happened out there and no-body’s talking. Some runners reported hearing a pig squeal along with the sound of a grown man crying. I guess unless a bloated body floats to the top of some creek, we’ll have to live in suspense.

Whatever the deal, Greg obviously thinks he’s already in lawless Costa Rica where contracts and trail shenanigans go unnoticed. Good luck to you, mate — keep playing those games and have fun explaining it to the Contras. Ok, so they’re from Nicaragua but Greg won’t figure that out.

Click here for Greg’s latest fantasy of actually being an endurance runner.

Sincerely,

Coach Charlie