By Greg Hardesty
They say that in chess, the best players think several moves ahead. As we drove into Bishop for the 14th annual 50-miler and 50k (actually, a 33-miler, but who’s counting?) on May 19, we were doing the same thing, inspired by the city’s name and thinking of our next move, as in:
* When can we visit the world-famous Schat’s Bakkery, and why do they spell it that way? Did the master carb maker OD on yeast, or something? And if you eat too much of the bread, do you get a bad case of the schats?
* Our past as pre-pubescent altar boys was making us nervous. Is this metropolis of 3,000-plus, located at the foot of the eastern Sierras, some sort of dumping ground for wayward bishops? Drop and give me 10 Hail Marys, and wash it down with gourmet bread – or go straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect the cell phone numbers of 7th-grade boys.
* What’s the deal with fishermen and “fresh” jerky? There are roadway signs all along Highway 395 on the way to Bishop. Our vegetarian and vegan runners (we know many) almost ran straight back from whence they came.
But, alas, they stayed – and so did we.
But boy, were we in for a tough day.
The Bishop High Sierra 50k may be beautiful – the shimmering mountain backdrop is so unreal, it looks like a Hollywood set — but it’s no walk in the park. In fact, during the early stages of the race, which basically is a gradual uphill that is deceivingly difficuly at this elevation (4,400 to 8,200, roughly), we were reminded of a game of chess we managed to play the night before the race at the local Carnivore Inn (complimentary sausage buffet in the morning): Specifically, we were reminded of our opponent’s final move in that chess match:
Bishop to K4. Checkmate!
***
One thing for sure about these Bishop folks: They love to eat. The pre-race dinner, at the Whiskey Creek restaurant, rocked. We showed up too late to slurp down the pasta and salad and garlic bread, but there was cake – lots of it. The golden cake was coated in something the color of the interior of a Victoria’s Secret during their weekly thong sale: pinkish red. Was it strawberry? Was it blushing vanilla? We don’t know. We just ate a lot of it. It was good.
RD Marie Boyd, she of the pleasing accent from somewhere much more refined than a town with a gas stand named Giggles Station (we kid you not – more on that later), takes pride in putting on a great pre-race dinner and creating a family-like atmosphere. It’s a good thing Marie (pronounced Mari, like the Japanese name) is a registered nurse at a local hospital: After three pieces of cake, we were feeling sick.
Marie, it should be noted, is a running superstudette, a 25-year veteran of ultras who will be tackling Western States in June (she’s run it before, in 1996). Pleasant and elegant, and one of the few RDs we know who can pull off wearing a dress (sorry, Baz), Marie is someone you want around when you run a course as tough as Bishop.
We’re all for keeping runners hanging around as long as possible at pre-race dinners, but Marie is freakishly good at it. Her helpers – multiple Bishop winners Jeff Kozak (who holds the course record for the 50-miler, at 7:39:51) and Phill Kiddoo — handed out so many raffle prizes, ranging from shoes to free entries in other ultras, that restaurant staffers were standing around waiting for their one-way tickets out of Bishop and into civilization (that’s a joke, folks – we love Bishop as much as wayward priests love dark confession booths).
Funny, we didn’t win anything in the raffle. Hmm. Maybe it was therundown.net shirt we were wearing, and the reporter’s notebook we were carrying. That explains the 15-foot perimeter of empty space that perpetually surrounded us the entire time we were inside the packed restaurant.
Running superstars galore were on hand, and some participants came from as far away as Texas, Rhode Island, Florida – even two from France and one from Japan. Is the bread at Schat’s and the local beef jerky really that good? Surely, no one named Atkins lives in Bishop.
A total of 240 runners signed up for the two Bishop ultras this year – a sellout! This race always sells out, Marie told us.
Certified trail goddess and Orange County’s own Michelle Barton, who is on a terrifyingly amazing roll, with two consective course records in two consecutive races (not counting Bishop – read on), hugged almost everyone in the room. Marie had to give CPR to several runners who nearly suffocated in Michele’s red hair, including Gabor Kozinc, as crazily fiendish a runner as his name is to pronounce.
Fred Pollard was soaking up the woodsy atmosphere of the Whiskey Creek. Fred is mellower than Mr. Rogers and kinder than Mother Teresa. And he was in Bishop to run his seventh race in eight weeks. Fred, dude, what’s up? You gunning for first place on the Depends Circuit? Just kidding, old man. You put us younger wannabes to shame. We worship you. We love you. We beg you for your forgiveness. Just don’t ask for it in a confessional, OK?
Where was the mysteriously elusive Rob McNair at the pre-race dinner? We know this ultra legend hates having his photo taken – and probably prefers to eat at Del Taco. Rob is so underground he makes the Chunnel look like an orbiting satellite. Rob has done the Bishop 50 miler but never the 50k, and was here for the shorter race. But Rob was iffy, having ripped his calf and not run the week before the race. He ended up having to drop to the 20-miler – what Rob usually logs during commercials breaks on “American Idol.’’
Several other RDs who where in town for this year’s Bishop races included Chris Rios, of the High Desert 50K Ultra and 30K in Ridgecrest, and Jeff Robbins, of the Calico 50K/30K. Rios did double-duty as aid station stalwart and cheerleader at the finish line.
During her pre-race instructions, Marie warned the runners to look before squatting in the bushes off the trail. And she told us not to do what some Russian runner named Dmitri did a few years ago: pick up a baby rattlesnake. Gee, Dmitri, wasn’t that cute. What’s it like to be a soprano?
***
After the pre-race dinner, Arnie Kiddoo, Phill’s father and a 50-mile entrant, helped explain to us the nuances of the course by pointing to a large map on a wall. He basically said, “Keep running. Some parts are hard. Some are easier.’’ Thanks, Arnie. When we become as good a runner as you, we hope to achieve such Zen-like eloquence. For now, as mediocre middle-of-the-packers, we prefer to get depressed about specific details of races to make ourselves as miserable as possible before runs.
We are the Woody Allens of ultramarathons, drowning ourselves in pre-race existential angst like so much Vaseline. There’s a great joke there in somewhere, folks, but we aren’t touching it.
Both of the Bishop races start and end at a park called Millpond, as in, “Hey guys, let’s go mill around a non-existent pond.’’
The pre-race check-in and start went off smoothly – unless we get picky and moan about the amazingly aromatic coffee that was bubbling away in a coffee maker, with no coffee cups in sight. It took six runners to prevent us from cozying up to Mr. Coffee and sucking the java straight from the nozzle. Images of Tonya Harding flashed through our minds. We’re not sure why.
***
We were off.
“Shark! A shark!’’
OK, that may have been a mid-’70s movie flashback, but the sandy trail that marked the beginning of the Bishop 50k (and several portions of the entire course) sure made us feel like we were at Martha’s Vineyard, stuck in a landmark suspense flick with questionable special effects. Note to runners thinking of running Bishop: Get in some practice runs at the beach. Also, be sure to generously slather on the sunscreen, as most of the course is exposed.
Basically, the 50k course at Bishop is shaped like an inverted V: you climb up, you climb down. There’s an out-and-back portion and a loop. There are no major hills – just a painfully gradual uphill that does exactly what the “American Idol” finale did: drained us of energy. (OK, that’s the second reference to this show. We’ll stop now).
The heat (it would hit close to 90) claimed several planned 50-mile runners who dropped down to the 50k, and some who dropped to the 20k “fun” run. We love how that term has become ubiquitous at some ultras. Translation for a “fun” run: You Will Feel So Crappy You Will Want to Run This Mileage Instead.
We ran into smiling Kirk Hess of Rancho Santa Margarita at around mile 8.5. He looked fresh for his first 50-miler, for which he spent nine months preparing. Hess got lost at around mile 37 (a surprise, since the course is well marked with yellow ribbons in clothes pins). He also had some gastrointestinal issues (maybe it’s a good thing he got lost?). Did he survive? Read on.
Chandler Gehlhausen, 27, of Newport Beach, was here to run his first 50K. But the pretty boy, who made all the girls (and some of the boys) swoon, had a nagging sore right hip. Would he pull a McNair? Inquiring minds need to read on.
Kelly Cronin, of Yosemite, dropped down to the 50k from the 50-miler. She said she missed the trees and shade in the national park where she lives and works. “You don’t realize what you have when you miss it,’’ she said, or something to that effect – sorry, it’s tough to take notes when trying to stave off death.
Not that Bishop is a barren desert – far from it! And don’t blame the lack of aid stations; there were several shaded rest spots every two to five miles. A highlight was the Buttermilk Road pit stop, just past the 10-mile mark and near the popular local climbing boulders. At the Buttermilk aid station, the “Desert Divas” whipped up blueberry pancakes. We didn’t want to get the schat’s, so we passed. Girls, meet us after the finish line, and we’re there!
A beautiful stretch of pinion and aspen trees greeted runners at around McGee Creek, a few hundred feet below the 8,000-elevation mark and around 15 miles into the run. OK, so the shade could have come sooner. We got over it. After all, the scenery – beautiful, distant views of the valley and hills — was diverting enough to keep us occupied. That and images of Tonya Harding sucking down coffee.
McGee Creek was heaven! Some runners, including Natalia Norman of Newport Beach, luxuriated in the cool High Sierra waters by splashing it on their flush faces. Nattie spent a lot of time on the trail with Kim Hocking, of Ventura, a 66-year-old male (a good thing he’s not named Kimberly).
Other runners took the short detour around McGee Creek over fallen trees and through dense vegetation to stay dry. We relished the sounds of rushing water over the smooth rocks, and suddenly felt a strong urge to pee – sort of the same effect we experienced when we first watched “Titanic” on the big screen, a cold tall boy between our legs.
***
Somehow, we didn’t DNF. Then we took a cold shower from a hose rigged to a metal pole – which instantly reminded us of the cave we live in back in Orange County.
Ho hum.
Phill Kiddoo won the 50-miler for the fourth time, with a blistering time of 7:34:01. Jeff Kozak logged in second, at 8:13:42. We aren’t Kiddoo-ing here, but Phill’s father, Arnie Kiddoo, was 11th on the finisher list, at 9:28:39. Nice genes, guys. Will they be on sale any time soon at Miller’s Outpost? Does that retail chain even exist anymore?
Remember, Phill Kiddoo and Jeff Kozak – both multiple winners at Bishop – were the co-emcee at the pre-race dinner. We want to hand out raffle prizes next year to see if that helps our finishing time.
Brian Polley finished in third place in the 50 miler, at 8:24:36. The top female finisher, and fifth overall, was Suzanna Bon (8:45:13). We shared some electrolyte-fueled bon-bons with Suzanna afterward to celebrate.
Perhaps the Stud of the 50-Miler award, however, should go to Whit Rambach, who may have finished “only” seventh, at 8:53:55, but who, the day before the Bishop run, hiked all the way up nearby Mt. Whitney. And we thought we were obsessed.
Fred Pollard, or Mr. Rogers on Crack, completed the 50-miler in 13:53:57. Because of his fine effort, he doesn’t have to sit through another episode of “The Wiggles.’’ As for Gabor Kozinc, he completed the 50-miler in 11:21:28. Gabor was slowed down when he dropped several unruly consonants and vowels along the course and had to pick them up.
Why weren’t we surprised that Michelle Barton topped all females in the 50k with a course record (5:03:19) and overall fourth-place finish? Because Michelle has been unreal of late. Don’t even think of cutting your hair, Michelle – even though it would shave a couple hours off your time. We love you just the way you are.
Kelly Cronin, who dropped from the 50, finished cleanly in the No. 10 spot, with a time of 6:01:43. Nice move, Kelly, bumping us from a top 10 finish! Our lawyers will be contacting you.
The dynamic duo of Natalia Norman and Kim Hocking, two of the nicest folks you’ll ever discuss crotch rashes with, finished the 50k in, respectively, 8:47:20 and 9:29:21.
As for Chandler Gehlhausen – well, good looks will only take one so far. He had to drop down to the 20-miler. His father, Paul, was on hand to watch him run.
“I’m here just to support him,’’ said Paul Gehlhausen, who claimed to still love his son despite him dropping to the shorter race. Paul is our nominee for Father of the Year.
And Kirk Hess (not to be confused with Wildomar endurance legend Kirk Fortini), he with the stomach issues and the bad sense of direction?
Kirk finished within his goal time of sub-11 hours, with a solid 10:58. That’s pretty amazing, since Hess figures the unplanned detour added a good 20 minutes to his time.
So, that’s all for now. Please don’t give us any schat if we failed to mention you. Track us down on your next ultra and slip us some benjamins. That works every time.
Oh, we almost forgot.
After the race, at the Giggles Station fueling station, we ran into a contingent of heavy-browed men who looked and talked like members of the Russian Mafia – or extras in a bad Bruce Willis flick intent on destroying the world.
We’re sure Dmitri was among them, a baby rattlesnake tucked inside the pocket of his black faux leather jacket. The burly men carried several bottles of booze to the counter as we hunted for the perfect pint of ice cream
Our finishing time out the exit door of Giggles Station: 14.3 seconds!
Impressive, indeed.
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CLICK HERE for the 2007 Bishop High Sierra race day slideshow featuring some rebellious 80s song. We’re still mentally in high school.
2007 Bishop High Sierra Ultramarathons Summary
When: Saturday, May 19
Where: Bishop, CA
Race Director: Marie Boyd
Course description: Fire roads, with a 1-mile paved section. Gradual uphills at elevation (4,400 to 8.200) and some rocky sections make for a tough 50k.
Top three male finishers (50 miler):
1) Phill Kiddoo 7:34:01
2) Jeff Kozak 8:13:42
3) Brian Polley 8:24:36
Top three female finishers (50 miler):
1) Suzanna Bon 8:45:13
2) Marley Mueller 9:20:34
3) Becky Flowers 10:06:16
Top three male finishers (50k):
1) Quent Bearden 4:16:29
2) Dan Yarborough 4:25:14
3) Cody Schroeder 5:02:40
Top three female finishers (50k):
1) Michelle Barton 5:03:19
2) Kelly Cronin 6:01:43
3) Brooke Haverstock 6:19:21
Web site: http://www.bhs50.com
Category: Bishop High Sierra Ultras
